The Brat Effect

God I don't want to be raising a brat. I haven't stumbled upon a parenting book yet that clearly maps out how this is supposed to be accomplished. I fear my three year old has absolutely no fear, of anything, including me. She thinks nothing of questioning every decision I make, and I find myself, foolishly, explaining my reasoning to her. What is wrong with me? Whatever happened to "because I said so"? That's going to have to change.

It dawned on me the other day, Bri was in the family room watching the news, when Miss Maddie waltzed in and said, "Put my show on, I don't want to watch this." Ummm, would you have ever said that to your father when you were a kid? I'm thirty years old, and when my dad comes over, I still let him watch whatever he wants, because he is my dad.

I know this sounds like goofy kids stuff. Hopefully, that is all it is. Hopefully, my broken record of say please, say thank you, be kind, share, don't hit your dog, don't put post-it notes on your sister, will one day sink in. Hopefully, it won't fall on deft ears.

My fear, however, is that of any working mom. Is this my fault because I work? Is she acting out because she is subconsciously angry at my absence? Is the schedule I put myself on and the demands of the company seeping into my family life? If so, what the hell am I suppose to do? Not work?

On top of all of these guilt laden fears is the undeniable reality that my kids will have access to privileges I didn't know existed when I was growing up. I don't worry about it so much now, but the fear is in the back of my mind, especially when we talk about where to send them to school. We are fortunate to be able to give them the best education possible. But in a world where iPhones and Wiis are bought as favors for Bar Mitzvahs, and grade school kids carry designer handbags - how do you keep your kids good, kind and humble without them hating you for not helping them keep up with the Joneses?? How do you teach them where mommy and daddy came from? That by our sheer will and hard work they have the lives they have so there will be no entitlement tolerated.

This brings me back to the issue at hand. I really believe that the foundation of their little lives are shaped right now. I believe in order to be good, kind and humble they need to learn it from the start. I've started doing little things, like talking to Maddie about why I volunteer and why it is important to help people in our community. I'm just starting to give her money in her piggy bank - a whole $.50 if she gets all of her responsibility stars each week, then we give a little bit away to help others each month. She barely understands, but I think the dialog is helpful.

I'm probably over thinking this, like I do everything else. I just want to be the best mom possible for my girls. So until someone writes the ultimate, fail safe guide to parenting, I'm going to keep working, be a broken record, lead by example, pray really hard, and have a big fat glass of wine every night.

Cheers!

If You Need Some Inspiration Today, Meet My Heroes: Trish & Lily

This picture was taken a few weeks ago at my daughter’s 3rd birthday party. Maddie (mine) is in the center wearing her yellow "Belle" gown. To her left is Lily Adkins, sporting the latest "Princess Tiana" fashion, her mom, Trish, is laughing in the background. To the right, in the blue "Ariel" dress, is Natalie, my good friend and college roommate Jenny’s daughter. I heart this picture, but for reasons other than it is one of the stinkin' cutest things I’ve ever seen.

I met Trish Adkins – then Trish Carrington – in college. We had little in common other than two things, we were both in (different) sororities and our boyfriends were best friends. We had our own group of friends, different majors, and different agendas. Basically, we paid very little attention to each other. As time move on, we graduated, landed our first “real” job and our first “real” place. Oh, and one other thing, we were marrying those two best friends.

Over the years, I became very fond of Trish. I found her funny, irreverent, and super smart, just the sort of chick I like to hang with. She quickly went from someone I ran into from time to time, to a very significant member of my soon to be extended family. We fully celebrated each others weddings and were thrilled when we found out that she and Mike (her hubby) were expecting their first baby.

Lily Adkins was born 11 weeks early, spent 10 days on a ventilator and 7 weeks in the NICU. Trish spent every moment she was allowed, by her baby’s side, literally nursing her to heath. Through the exhausting ordeal, Trish stayed positive. When they finally brought Lily home, she was a happy, heathly, and gorgeous little thing. So we were shocked, when at 14 months, Lily was diagnosed with a regular ependymona brain tumor. One day Lily is smiling and playing, the next day she is vomiting and losing her motor skills. Trish had the good sense to call the doctor immediately, and, if you can be fortunate in this sort of situation, lived local to The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, where Lily was immediately admitted.

I remember walking into their room at CHOP and found Lily lying in bed with Trish stretched out next to her. They both looked exhausted, numb, and shocked. How Trish held it together is beyond my grasp of understanding. How she got the strength to take a shower every few days blows my mind. It would have been enough to break me. Somehow she not only navigated the basic fundamentals of her day – like eating – she also managed Lily’s treatment. No small task when doctors are talking about things like shunts and IVCs and radiation, enough to make your head spin. Trish began to pour herself into studying everything she could to better understand this grossly unfair disease. When they found out Lily was eligible for Proton Radiation Therapy at MD Anderson – a treatment that would not require chemotherapy - Trish temporarily moved the family from Philadelphia to Texas.

The weeks of treatment were successful and Lily is now in remission. Lily has regular physical and occupational therapy to help recover her gross motor skills. For now she needs an MRI every 6 months and will continue to have them the rest of her life. Her MRI’s have been clear since 2007 and she recently celebrated her 4th birthday. Lily is a fighter, she has a spirit in her you cannot describe, you have to meet her to truly understand why she is so, so special, and the person who pulled her through this was her mother – who will never accept the praise she deserves.

I love women who rock and Trish rocks. She is a devoted mother, handles the absolute worst of situations with nothing but grace, throws a mean kids birthday party complete with a candy bar, runs her own Yoga company Trinitas Yoga, writes her blog, YOKE, and brings a major dose of inspiration to my day, every day.

I don’t know why things happen the way they do. I don’t know why babies have to get cancer. What I do know, now that I have witnessed Lily Adkins brave battle, is that no disease can destroy the human spirit. And with someone like Trish on your side, you can find the strength to win your battle, even if you are barely a year old.

The Adkins' Family, including Mike, Lily's wonderful dad, and baby sister Chloe, are now committed to the fight against childhood cancer. This Saturday, June 12th, they will host their 2nd annual Lily’s Lemonade Stand at their home in New Jersey, with all proceeds going to Alex’s Lemonade Stand. If you would like to make a donation, please visit http://www.alexslemonade.org/mypage/9214 . Your donation will help find a cure for pediatric cancer, could save a life and will one day prevent an entire family from having to contend with this sort of ordeal.

Lily – You are more special to us then you will ever know.
Trish – I really love and admire the woman you are and am grateful everyday that our girls will grow up together.

See you on Saturday.

No Soul in Sex

Warning - only read this if you already saw the movie or could care less to know what is going to happen, major spoilers follow.

Let's clear some things up before we start:
1. I know these are not real people
2. I don't care; it's my one and only form of escapism

For ten years I have been an avid, devoted fan of SATC. I loved everything about it, from the decadent and truly over the top fashions courtesy of the genius that is Pat Fields, the controversial, in your face topics, to the heartfelt story lines and relationships of the four women and the men they loved. As a young woman, with 12 years of Catholic schooling under my belt, it was the first time I realized that sex could be something women wanted, had and enjoyed without all the guilt that came with it. It showed how beautiful the power of female friendships really are, how we create family with the friends we surround ourselves with and that we are all bonded by our quest for love. One of my favorite quotes of all times comes from Carrie Bradshaw, who after moving to Paris to be with Alexander Petrovsky , realizes it was a mistake and says, "I am someone who is looking love, real love. Ridiculous. Inconvenient. Consuming. Can't-live-without-each-other love." I tear up every time I watch that final episode, delighted in the first movie and entered the latest installment with much enthusiasm. So it is with great disappointment I give you the following review.

The film opens with the fab foursome celebrating the wedding of Stanford and Anthony. In my world, nothing tops a gay wedding, and this one doesn't disappoint. A winter white wonderland equip with swans and Liza Minnelli. Life is good, until Anthony reveals that yes they are getting married but he is allowed to cheat. Ha, ha, very funny. But is it? The gay and lesbian community has been fighting for the right to get married like the rest of us, so I was puzzled that the film sort of celebrated the stereotype of the gay mans inability to stay monogamous. I'm not looking for political commentary, but it could have been handled differently, maybe with more respect.

Following the nuptials we see what the ladies have been up to. Samantha continues to run her successful PR business and is now in what can only be described as a personal fight to stay young. Not cancer free, which is never mentioned in the film, or to keep her clients in a slow economy. No, Samantha has turned to the wisdom and medical advice of Suzanne Somers to turn back the clock and is obsessed with pills and creams to stop the aging process. All very funny, and admittedly, I laughed at almost everything she said, but she lacked her usual intelligence and I thought it was a shame that the once liberated, powerful, trailblazing Samantha was turned into a bit of a buffoon.

Charlotte is still married to Harry and has her two girls, Lily and Rose. Lily is about five and Rose is in the terrible twos, crying all day, every day. Charlotte is keeping a brave face but becomes suddenly threatened when Samantha points out that their nanny is braless and bouncy, and it hasn't gone unnoticed by Harry. I really wanted to sympathize with how overwhelmed Charlotte's character is because any mom of two young kids knows how exhausting it can be and how you can sometimes flip out and then feel terrible. You want to feel bad but then they have Charlotte yell at Lily for getting red paint on her "vintage Valentino skirt" that she is wearing wear while making cup cakes. Seriously, I know this is fantasy, but come on. Anything vintage or Valentino in my closet is strictly limited to nights out - sans kids. Plus, she is unbelievably wealthy, doesn't have to work and has a live in nanny - if the rest of us had all that going for us, we could do this job with our eyes closed.

Miranda may be the only fun and truly likable character of the group. She and Steve have reconciled and still live in Brooklyn with Brady and Magda. She's conflicted with work, has the boss from hell and is guilt ridden that she doesn't spend enough time with Brady. You can tell she is exhausted and is getting to the place in life where she wants something to be a little easier, or wants some control back. After her boss dismisses her in a meeting and hands her case over to someone else, she quits, on the spot. BTW, Cynthia Nixon is gorgeous. Not sure what her secret is but the other ladies could learn from whatever regime she is on. She is the only actress of the four who gets better with age.

Finally, we find Carrie in her gorgeous Manhattan apartment living life in love with Big. However, within 5 minutes, she becomes unbelievably annoying, and needy. I have no idea what happened to the Carrie we know and love, but this one is almost unlikeable. Here's the deal. For 10 years we have watched her pine for Big. He is supposed to be the love of her life and 2 years into their marriage, she's bored. Really? Big wants to watch some TV in bed and would rather order in than go out, but he wants to do all this with her and she starts to act a bit like a spoiled brat. The story line is absurd because the audience knows that the Carrie of the past wanted that life with Big, now we are being told she doesn't.

So where do four conflicted women go when they need a break? The middle east of course. Samantha is invited to stay in Abu Dhabi to meet with a potential new client and invites the girls to travel with her. The level of extravagance leads to some very funny scenes, but the characters, except for Miranda, go off the deep end. The story line is ridiculous, Samantha is not allowed to bring her pills into the country and becomes insane, Charlotte cannot get a hold of Harry and assumes he is having an affair and not that perhaps it's because she’s in the Middle East and maybe, just maybe, it's not the best wireless network. And then there is Carrie, who after Big tells her he wants to get his own place for a couple days a week (note, this is only because she leaves and stays at her old apartment for the same amount of time) is all hurt feelings and runs into Aiden. Here's the simple version of what happened. They see each other in the spice market, they go out to dinner and they kiss for 30 seconds. B.F.D. Of course she flips out and IMO selfishly tells Big who is none too happy about the news.

The rest of the storylines are underdeveloped. For example, we find out Carrie gets a terrible review of her new book from the New Yorker, and then it's never really discussed again. There is a beautiful exchange between Miranda and Charlotte as Miranda tries to get Charlotte to open up about her stresses, it is one of the only glimpses we get of the bond the women have, then the thought is dropped by Carrie’s freak out over Aiden.

Before they leave a bunch of other nonsense happens, Samantha gets busted for having sex on the beach, they are thrown out of their hotel, Carrie loses her passport and they somehow end up in a backroom of the marketplace, surrounded by women in burqas, who revile underneath, they wear the latest designer threads. At this point I thought, for the love of God, make it stop.

The movie doesn't disappoint when it comes to eye candy. The men are still gorgeous; Mr. Big is, in fact, the perfect man. Combining classic good looks, intelligence and just enough mystery to keep us interested. He's grown up and very comfortable in is relationship - making Carrie's behavior all the more frustrating. And then there is the other form of eye candy ... the fashion. Pat Field’s ability to tell a story with fashion and her atheistic, while outrageous, has brilliance to it. Who else has the fashion nerve to pair a $2500 skirt with a $5 belt, and make it look so amazing?

I've never been to a movie before where I laugh the entire time and still feel disappointed at the end. I saw SATC2 Friday night and then early Saturday was folding laundry, flipping through some channels when I landed on the first movie. Like any good fan I watched the whole thing and it dawned on me, the first SATC was a beautiful story about the power of friendship, forgiveness and love. The second was merely an attempt to make a madcap adventure covered in couture which is sad because it could have been fantastic. It served the series and its first installment no justice. It let down the characters and in many cases the fans. The fans that religiously tuned in every Sunday night and flocked to the theaters hoping to catch up with some old friend.

Sometimes, a girl just needs reassurance

I have often marveled at how the universe drops something in my lap just when I need it. In this case it was my hubby handing me yesterday's USA Today. Laura Vanderkam wrote a fascinating article titled "Moms, part-time work is overrated." Vanderkam argues that women who work part-time vs. women who work full-time gain very little extra time with their families at the end of day. In addition, they may be hurting the family's financial health and their careers in the long run.

Let me backtrack for a moment. When my husband and I travel, our girls stay with my mom and dad, better known as "mom-mom" and "pop." It's a huge blessing for many reasons, mainly because we can go to work without having to worry about the welfare of our children and the big one - we don't have to pay for daycare. So this morning, Bri picked the kids up and Maddie was so happy to see me. I said, "Mads, are you happy to be home?" She answered, quickly, "No, I like it at Pops." Insert dagger in my heart. Let me be clear. I'm thrilled she loves her grandparents, and honestly, most days I would rather be hanging out with Pop, but given my constant guilt ridden state, this completely innocent comment sent me overboard.

Everyday, I question the point to all this. I'm exhausted, overworked and always guilty. The ebbs and flows of business wear on my nerves. I realize I am guilty for all sorts of weird things, most curiously, because I like my job. I am so guilty about that, like I am choosing my career over my kids when the only reason I work is so we can take the best care of them as possible. I just happen to enjoy what I do. Rationally I know this makes no sense, but I haven't been rational since Maddie was born.

I've always been an all or nothing kinda gal, so when I started Kristel Closets, Inc. I wasn't going to do it unless the plan was to be the best. What's the point if you're not? In my case, you can't be the best part time. So when my irrational brain started to think maybe I should do this part -time to create better "balance"this fabulous article was dropped in my lap.

The article is not intended for women who work part-time for extra cash, but more for women who work part time to keep their foot in the door of their career. Vanderkam states that in two-income families part time working mothers typically only spend 10 more minutes per day playing with their kids. It makes sense. Ask any young mother and she will tell you it takes just as long to get out of the house for an hour as it does for the entire day. (You still need to prep as if you are NEVER coming back.) Your commute is often the same, and a lot of times you are simply cramming 8 hours of work into 4 hours so when you get home you are still exhausted and fried.

So is it worth it? You gain 10 minutes - maybe an hour, but you somehow fall behind in your career. The kids will eventually be in school all day, have their own little social calendar and one day, God willing, they move out and live their own lives. Where does that leave us? We know it is easier to advance, which means higher pay therefore more options, if we are available. Someone who is available full-time vs someone who works part-time will almost always get more visibility. Let's not forget we are also competing with men, who, for whatever reason, are always available regardless of their responsibilities at home. There is no real clear answer, but certainly something to think about.

For me, I have come to realize that if I am going to leave the house for a meeting or to speak somewhere, I plan the entire day out of the house. Fragmented days just means nothing gets done. I've had to lower my expectation as to how much housework will actually get done, but don't tell my husband, and when I get home I turn off until the next morning so I end up being more engaged with the time I do have with the kids.

This article really helped me regain perspective. After I read it, I thought "see, I'm not crazy, this is what I've been thinking!" So if you're a working mommy trying to find some sort of balance it is worth considering Vanderkam's points. Especially if you run a business, you just won't make it doing it part time. As I put the article down, I glanced over to an affirmation card I wrote a few years ago after I called Gina Rubel, a good friend and mentor, in a state of new baby exhaustion. She said, "You take care of your family by working, that's how much you love them." And she's right, this is what works for me. Sometimes, a girl just needs some reassurance.

Another Reason to Burn Your Sweatpants

The crack team of reporters over at the Today Show spent 5 minutes - that's an eternity in TV time - telling women that sweatpants are killing their sex life (for proof click here). What a news flash! I don't have a PhD in anything other than how to be fabulous and I could have told you that. Seriously ladies, pull yourselves together. Why is it that we get married and waive the white flag of fashion defeat? Yes, yes, I've heard you a million times over, they're comfortable. Here's the deal, your husband HATES them, you look terrible in them and I'm going to go out on a limb and say you may not feel your sexiest ... no? This sweatpants debate made be think of how easy - and acceptable - it has become to completely let ourselves go.

You and your husband got together because you liked how each other looked. Then, luckily, you found out you shared similar beliefs, made each other laugh or discovered that he had a HUGE bank account, in any case, you dug each other from the start. If you're wondering why the spark may be dimming in the loving department, take a good look at what you are putting on after work or on the weekends. Are you looking? Now, ask yourself, would you want to date that?

Date, a novel concept for a married couple but absolutely necessary for the health of your relationship. Some of the happiest couples I know schedule time together and really honor it. It's the only way to stay connected. Remember the feeling you had way back in the day, when you knew you had a date with your future hubby? Ask my sorority sisters, I was a nut case when it came to Brian, and the mocking I received was well deserved, but now, I look forward to our quite time together just like I did when I was 20. Unfortunately, with two kids and two insanely busy work schedules an official date is few and far between, which makes it all the more important to look good for each other on a normal night at home.

I spend my work days running in 3 inch heels, so at the end of the day all I want to do is take off my Spanx and hop into something comfy. I've discovered the only way I won't wear the ugliness is if it's not in the house. If you were on a diet would you keep chocolate cake on hand? No. So try it for yourself. Get rid of every paint stained, grass stained, and you-only-walk-the-dog-in-but-then-you're-in-them-all-day-pants and see how much nicer you look, how much better you feel and how the hubby responds.

I suggest putting together a uniform of sorts, easy pieces you can grab and be dressed in 5 minutes. Mine is pretty straightforward: A pair of black leggings from Hue, long soft tee shirts from the BP department in Nordstrom, and Tory Burch flats. Throw on a long necklace and some lip gloss, my favorite is Chanel Glossimer in Spark and you look glam with no effort. On the weekends, you must have a fantastic pair of jeans - spare no expense, a great fitting pair of jeans will change your life, or at least how you feel about yourself. Put on a pair of wedge sandals and a cute cardigan and tank and you're done.

No more excuses, because really, that's what they are. Your size, weight, and stress level may be the reason you gave up but don't let them be the reason you keep yourself this way. There are stores and brands accessible at all price points to fit any size need, and if you're stressed, well, live with it, this is America we're all stressed, so you might as well look good while you're freaking out.

The lesson here is twofold. First, your husband is like a puppy dog, he just wants to know that you care and are putting in an effort. If you're being honest, you probably have asked him to give up a lot or even if you just make him watch the occasional romantic comedy, you owe him some lipstick and smooth legs. Second, there is nothing wrong with adding a little bit of glamour to your everyday life, it doesn't make you self centered or a bad mom, it will make you feel great, your hubby will be pleasantly surprised and your relationship will stay or get back on track.

I Just Want 5 Minutes To Myself

I'm not sure how this happened, but until last night, I haven't had a shower by myself in weeks, maybe months. Don't get excited, nothing juicy is happening- but for some reason everyone is in the bathroom when I am in the shower. They just walk in, asking me all sorts of questions. Urgent ones, of course, like, "what are we doing for dinner?" or "where are my gym shorts?" Even better, they have a visit, like Maddie, who for the last few weeks has been in potty training boot camp, meaning we leave her on her princess potty with a storybook for as long as "it" takes, so long that I may as well grab a quick shower while we are waiting.

Last night, to my absolute delight, I found myself with two sleeping kids and a traveling husband. I forgot how indulgent a bath can be, and how necessary that "me" time is for my own mental health. When better to try out some new products I've been meaning to review? Enter WEN Sweet Almond Cleansing Conditioner. OMG - it's FAB! I had first heard of WEN during my stint as a buyer for QVC, but didn't purchase it until a few weeks ago when I read about it again on style goddess Rachel Zoe's blog: The Zoe Report.

It's life changing. You heard me. Life. Changing. First, you get this great tingly feeling on your scalp, just like at the salon. The formula does not lather up, so you may get a little freaked out, but you definitely feel it working. It smells amazing and best of all is what happens after the shower. Your hair is full, really full and super shinny - all day. My thin Irish hair was Brooke Shields gorgeous in minutes. I don't know how it works, and, frankly, I don't really care. It's filled with natural goodness, no toxins or detergents, but honestly, it could be poison in a bottle and if my hair looked this good, I would still use it.

Listen Mommies, we need to take advantage of any bonus time we may get, so I suggest loading up on some luxurious bath items and stealing 5 minutes to yourself whenever you can. You don't have to spend hours at the spa to look gorge, just a few minutes here and there. A little you time will make you feel like a new woman, or your former pre-mommyhood self.

You'll Spend More Time With Your Kids

I'm fascinated when I hear women tell me they are starting a business because they want to spend more time with their kids. I wonder if they found the extra 12 hours in the day we have all been searching for. Unless they have, it's not going to happen. Amongst the numerous reasons not to start a business, this is my number one.

First, it screams of a lack of understanding as to what is actually required of you to run a start up. Even in women centric home based businesses a la Mary Kay, the women who earn the big bucks work for it, all the time, every day. When my company, Kristel Closets, Inc. first started, I hit 3 networking events a day, met everyone and their mother for a coffee, and worked for free (yup, that's how it works). Clients don't just knock on your door, you have to go find them ... and you can't take your kids with you.

You see, while you love your kids and think they are fascinating, your business partners, clients and colleagues don't care so much. Are the kids sick? Oh well. Did you not sleep? Not their problem. When it's your business, when you are only paid when you work, there is no calling out sick. You are managing two different lives. Your kids don't care that you have a business, your business doesn't care that you have kids and it's your job - on top of everything else - to treat each as if they are the only and most important thing in your life.

There are three keys to making it work:

1. Create a system and follow it: It takes some time to find out what will work for you so try some different things out. Once you know what you need, stick with it, when you go off plan the whole system fails and you waste valuable time getting it back up. My husband and I sit down with our planners months in advance and map out our work and travel days. Once it's set, it's set, there is no changing days. We went off the schedule once and it was a debacle.

2. Find your support system: It's so important to surround yourself with other like minded people, it keeps you relatively sane, like you're not the only one with this idea. Beyond just emotional support you need people who will help take care of your kids. We are fortunate to have very active parents in our lives. My parents help take care of the girls most days and are more than happy to have them for an overnight. Brian's parents will help on weekends, even if it is just for a few hours so we can have a quick date night. Maybe you hire a nanny or have close group of girlfriends who can help. Whoever it is, take the help where ever you can get it.

3. Own your choices. You'll never hear me complain about our situation. I do believe I am privileged to own a business, but it comes a cost. I didn't get a maternity leave with Maddie, the business was just too new. I made the choice to go back to works a couple weeks after having her. It was during that time I met some of the most amazing women, my advocates, who quickly turned into mentors and friends. I had to give up the maternity leave for the opportunity to surround my daughters with positive, powerful, inspiring women. I found my own way to bond with Maddie and she has these amazing "aunts." I wouldn't go back and change it. On the flip side, I often skip social events that could connect me to more industry contacts to stay home and watch a movie with the kids. It's all about the choices you make.

So, if all this still sounds like a good idea, go for it. You are showing your kids that they are able to do anything, you are teaching them first hand the principles our country was founded on, and you'll provide for them the life you always wanted them to have. Just be okay with guilt being a daily part of your life, for always being conflicted, and constantly second guessing your choices. As long as my kids are proud of me, I know I'm making the right one.